We all develop habits that are neither the best for our own psychological well-being nor for the well-being of those around us. There's no shame in that, it's unavoidable. Couples naturally develop habitual ways of communicating/not communicating. By and large, the most problematic of the habits are private, rarely seen by others, and so they develop without the benefit of external feedback. No one wants to "air their dirty laundry in public." Well, I'm inviting you to air your dirty laundry with me, uncomfortable though it might be. Especially if an argument has been going round and round, the therapy office often allows a safer environment for revisiting the issue and at least some chance of leading to a better outcome.
There's a way in which each marriage is like a cultural exchange program. We assume the way our family did things is normal and we bring that into our relationships. For instance someone from a family that gets in boisterous, but loving, arguments might marry someone from a family where a raised voice signified terrible trouble. Often a partner’s irritating way of doing something makes total sense when the context is understood. Arguments that boil down to “my way is better because it’s my way” can be transformed into a respectful dialogue once these contexts are brought into the discussion.
Couples/Marriage Therapy
My role as therapist includes that of curious historian, instructor, interpreter, sometimes traffic cop. It does not include that of judge. So if your sole goal in coming is to prove that you are right and your partner is wrong, you will likely be frustrated. I will almost certainly see both of
you as delightful human beings, which can be galling when you're really upset with your partner. But that's usually reassuring.
To a large degree, how successful we can be is determined by how much damage the two of you have already done. If you are stuck in patterns that are adding to the damage, I suggest finding outside help sooner rather than later.
In marital or couples therapy, we usually shuttle between working on communication, other practical matters, and looking at each partner's history, as relevant.
David K. Donlon, LCSW
Psychotherapy
